“I think all girls are beautiful” –Michal

Tuesday, July 21^st… ten day countdown until Ray’s birthday!!!!

(sorry this is long… just skim it if possible J)

Last night Jess and I looked at the stars together for over an hour. I had just gotten off the phone with my young life girl, Lynishia, and she told me she was pregnant. I walked back to my room with my head down. Hearing me walk up, Jess opened her mouth in the utter darkness, beckoning me to see the beauty that was before her. She asked me, “Kaylanne, what is your biggest wish? I mean, if God can make these stars, then I bet He can do anything we ask for and even more. I think He can even give us our greatest, most intimate desire.” As I gazed upwards, my eyes were attracted to the edge of the sky. The tiny, farthest away, diminished stars were twinkling. I thought out loud, “Jess aren’t those barely visible stars beautiful. I mean you can only see them out of the corner of your eye, but when you focus your eyes directly at them, they go away.” She answered, “Yes… and Kaylanne, without them, the sky wouldn’t twinkle. (pause) I think they are important too.”

Jess teaches me lots about life. She teaches me about passion, deep love, profound mercy and bottomless compassion. Jess cares about every single person that makes their way into her life. And she hasn’t had an easy breezy past either. She covers herself with the armor of God in order to go through the day.

Yesterday Laura and I had breakfast together on the back porch. We were debriefing our past week and reading each other’s hearts. I think Laura has a great gift of reading my heart. She is so wise because she holds my hand and then points me to Jesus every time. I was telling her about how I so often live outside the present. At this past camp, the kids would go home at ten pm. It was only a day camp so we didn’t have as much time to really dive into their lives and hear about their pain and deep life questions. About halfway through the week I realized that I would get through the awkward conversations saying to myself, “only ten minutes until games.” Then during games, I would say, “only half and hour until dinner, and then I’m on dish duty.” Then the campers would drag me outside, pour water on me and rub toothpaste on my face. They just wanted love and attention. Outside I would joke back, but inside I wasn’t ready to love on crazy little junior high boys. I would think, “only two hours until ten o’clock. Only two more hours ‘till they go home.” This was sad for me, and I asked Laura how I could fight against this automatic mentality. I know that I did enjoy those kids and those moments, but I want to learn to enjoy them more. I didn’t want to go through the next day camp with the same attitude.

During my first camp (Zielona Gora), I would break down everyday because there was no personal free time. It was an overnight camp and therefore I was forced to live within the small moments of having to get to know those around me. I couldn’t look forward to ten o’clock because ten o’clock still meant kid time. However, when I really think back about that week, I realize that I probably didn’t live completely in the moment at Zielona Gora either. That week, I would think to myself, “only five more days… two more… one more… just one more night, Kaylanne. You can do it!” The more Laura and I talked about this attitude, the more we realized how often we really think this way. We motivate ourselves by saying, “Only one more semester. Come on, finish strong. Only one more week until break. Only three more weeks until school! Only one more day until Saturday. Only one more year and then I’m done with school…” Laura, being so good with words, summed this up nicely. “Man alive, isn’t it easy to think that right now isn’t real life.” (I think I added the “man alive” part. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say that J) Oh my gosh! I am alive right now! I am here for a reason! Our great God is also known as “The Great I AM.” And “I AM” is an ever-present God. He is the God of the right now. Colossians 1:28 says, “We proclaim Him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ.” We have been hearing this verse over and over these past couple of weeks. Who is Paul talking about when he says, “everyone?” Does he really mean everyone in the whole world? I can’t grasp that. I think it means whoever enters into my zone at that time, or whoever’s zone I enter into. I want to present those around me as more perfect in Christ. As I ask for eyes to see the God provisioned zones around me, I learn to see the present-ness of Christ. This is a great lesson for me. I want to remain where Christ is. And I think finding joy in the gospel really adds to the belief that Christ is enough for me during every moment. If Jesus Christ is always in the present, then I want to dwell there as well.

Week Recap/Get High Moments:

This week I was able to tell Sara that she was beautiful. Man, I love sharing those words with other girls, because God is burning them into my heart. He doesn’t make something that is ugly, so why would I choose to think I am an exception? I was also very sad because a girl named Karolina stopped coming to camp after the third day. (Every Karolina I get to know, I instantly like because the name reminds me of my awesome roommates from back home.) She was one of those girls who you get to know and develop a “kid-crush” for. I couldn’t wait until she came back the next day. We got along so well that I could see us being close friends if we only lived by each other. I knew that she was that one kid, that special girl, who I was here for. I couldn’t wait to tell her my story and hear about hers. I couldn’t wait to tell her she was beautiful and that God the Great Father loves her. I wanted to hug her and tell her that God has a divine purpose for her life. So you can only imagine my deep discouragement when she didn’t come back. I wondered what else I could have done for her. Then I read Isaiah 45… “This is what the Lord says-the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker: Concerning things to come, do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the word of my hands? It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it.” I had to pray for forgiveness… was it me who loved these kids or was it God? If it truly was up to me, I probably wouldn’t be in Poland this summer. And if it was only up to me, I don’t think these kids would be remembered, pursued or even born. Karolina is a child of God, so I can trust that God the Father won’t forget her.

The last day of camp Jess and I ran into a girl named Magda from Australia. We walked into a coffee shop and the barista greeted me, “Hi, Kaylanne… you’re from Texas, right?” I was amazed. She looked very familiar, but I couldn’t remember a name and I was praying that God would help me remember her story. It turns out, she was in one of classes at one of the schools we visited to recruit kids to come to the English Camp at the very beginning of the summer. I remember it to be one of the longest, worst classes we taught because it was at the very end of our 7-hour day. Magda, the barista-student, was so sad that she couldn’t come to the camp, but for sure wanted to go next year. Jess and I got to talk to her for about an hour and we are keeping in contact through facebook. When we left Nowy Tomysl the next day, she was riding her bicycle on the side of the road as we drove by. She frantically waved as we leaned out of our white bus, “machete” and drove away. I don’t think it was coincidental that we ran into Magda two times out of the blue. We easily forgot about this girl, but God didn’t and hasn’t and won’t. It blows my mind to think that some of the relationships we are building this summer aren’t even for this summer, but for the future. I know seeds are being planted. God’s timing scales far beyond my minute, two and a half months in Poland. In a lot of cases, the harvest is still to come. However, I thank the God of the present, that He is ushering me into His bounty.

Finishing Remarks:

So, I think about how this summer is almost over. And I search my heart. I want to prepare myself for one more camp. One more go at it. One more merciful chance to be apart of God’s plan in English Camps this summer. Man alive, I know my view on ministry will be very different when I go back to Waco. I really want to seek God’s tug on my heart as He leads me into new zones back home. But for now, God… I pray for deep compassion. If you really love Wisla, then by golly, show me, because I want my heart to beat to the tune of your heart. Please love them through me.