“I think all girls are beautiful” –Michal

Tuesday, July 21^st… ten day countdown until Ray’s birthday!!!!

(sorry this is long… just skim it if possible J)

Last night Jess and I looked at the stars together for over an hour. I had just gotten off the phone with my young life girl, Lynishia, and she told me she was pregnant. I walked back to my room with my head down. Hearing me walk up, Jess opened her mouth in the utter darkness, beckoning me to see the beauty that was before her. She asked me, “Kaylanne, what is your biggest wish? I mean, if God can make these stars, then I bet He can do anything we ask for and even more. I think He can even give us our greatest, most intimate desire.” As I gazed upwards, my eyes were attracted to the edge of the sky. The tiny, farthest away, diminished stars were twinkling. I thought out loud, “Jess aren’t those barely visible stars beautiful. I mean you can only see them out of the corner of your eye, but when you focus your eyes directly at them, they go away.” She answered, “Yes… and Kaylanne, without them, the sky wouldn’t twinkle. (pause) I think they are important too.”

Jess teaches me lots about life. She teaches me about passion, deep love, profound mercy and bottomless compassion. Jess cares about every single person that makes their way into her life. And she hasn’t had an easy breezy past either. She covers herself with the armor of God in order to go through the day.

Yesterday Laura and I had breakfast together on the back porch. We were debriefing our past week and reading each other’s hearts. I think Laura has a great gift of reading my heart. She is so wise because she holds my hand and then points me to Jesus every time. I was telling her about how I so often live outside the present. At this past camp, the kids would go home at ten pm. It was only a day camp so we didn’t have as much time to really dive into their lives and hear about their pain and deep life questions. About halfway through the week I realized that I would get through the awkward conversations saying to myself, “only ten minutes until games.” Then during games, I would say, “only half and hour until dinner, and then I’m on dish duty.” Then the campers would drag me outside, pour water on me and rub toothpaste on my face. They just wanted love and attention. Outside I would joke back, but inside I wasn’t ready to love on crazy little junior high boys. I would think, “only two hours until ten o’clock. Only two more hours ‘till they go home.” This was sad for me, and I asked Laura how I could fight against this automatic mentality. I know that I did enjoy those kids and those moments, but I want to learn to enjoy them more. I didn’t want to go through the next day camp with the same attitude.

During my first camp (Zielona Gora), I would break down everyday because there was no personal free time. It was an overnight camp and therefore I was forced to live within the small moments of having to get to know those around me. I couldn’t look forward to ten o’clock because ten o’clock still meant kid time. However, when I really think back about that week, I realize that I probably didn’t live completely in the moment at Zielona Gora either. That week, I would think to myself, “only five more days… two more… one more… just one more night, Kaylanne. You can do it!” The more Laura and I talked about this attitude, the more we realized how often we really think this way. We motivate ourselves by saying, “Only one more semester. Come on, finish strong. Only one more week until break. Only three more weeks until school! Only one more day until Saturday. Only one more year and then I’m done with school…” Laura, being so good with words, summed this up nicely. “Man alive, isn’t it easy to think that right now isn’t real life.” (I think I added the “man alive” part. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say that J) Oh my gosh! I am alive right now! I am here for a reason! Our great God is also known as “The Great I AM.” And “I AM” is an ever-present God. He is the God of the right now. Colossians 1:28 says, “We proclaim Him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ.” We have been hearing this verse over and over these past couple of weeks. Who is Paul talking about when he says, “everyone?” Does he really mean everyone in the whole world? I can’t grasp that. I think it means whoever enters into my zone at that time, or whoever’s zone I enter into. I want to present those around me as more perfect in Christ. As I ask for eyes to see the God provisioned zones around me, I learn to see the present-ness of Christ. This is a great lesson for me. I want to remain where Christ is. And I think finding joy in the gospel really adds to the belief that Christ is enough for me during every moment. If Jesus Christ is always in the present, then I want to dwell there as well.

Week Recap/Get High Moments:

This week I was able to tell Sara that she was beautiful. Man, I love sharing those words with other girls, because God is burning them into my heart. He doesn’t make something that is ugly, so why would I choose to think I am an exception? I was also very sad because a girl named Karolina stopped coming to camp after the third day. (Every Karolina I get to know, I instantly like because the name reminds me of my awesome roommates from back home.) She was one of those girls who you get to know and develop a “kid-crush” for. I couldn’t wait until she came back the next day. We got along so well that I could see us being close friends if we only lived by each other. I knew that she was that one kid, that special girl, who I was here for. I couldn’t wait to tell her my story and hear about hers. I couldn’t wait to tell her she was beautiful and that God the Great Father loves her. I wanted to hug her and tell her that God has a divine purpose for her life. So you can only imagine my deep discouragement when she didn’t come back. I wondered what else I could have done for her. Then I read Isaiah 45… “This is what the Lord says-the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker: Concerning things to come, do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the word of my hands? It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it.” I had to pray for forgiveness… was it me who loved these kids or was it God? If it truly was up to me, I probably wouldn’t be in Poland this summer. And if it was only up to me, I don’t think these kids would be remembered, pursued or even born. Karolina is a child of God, so I can trust that God the Father won’t forget her.

The last day of camp Jess and I ran into a girl named Magda from Australia. We walked into a coffee shop and the barista greeted me, “Hi, Kaylanne… you’re from Texas, right?” I was amazed. She looked very familiar, but I couldn’t remember a name and I was praying that God would help me remember her story. It turns out, she was in one of classes at one of the schools we visited to recruit kids to come to the English Camp at the very beginning of the summer. I remember it to be one of the longest, worst classes we taught because it was at the very end of our 7-hour day. Magda, the barista-student, was so sad that she couldn’t come to the camp, but for sure wanted to go next year. Jess and I got to talk to her for about an hour and we are keeping in contact through facebook. When we left Nowy Tomysl the next day, she was riding her bicycle on the side of the road as we drove by. She frantically waved as we leaned out of our white bus, “machete” and drove away. I don’t think it was coincidental that we ran into Magda two times out of the blue. We easily forgot about this girl, but God didn’t and hasn’t and won’t. It blows my mind to think that some of the relationships we are building this summer aren’t even for this summer, but for the future. I know seeds are being planted. God’s timing scales far beyond my minute, two and a half months in Poland. In a lot of cases, the harvest is still to come. However, I thank the God of the present, that He is ushering me into His bounty.

Finishing Remarks:

So, I think about how this summer is almost over. And I search my heart. I want to prepare myself for one more camp. One more go at it. One more merciful chance to be apart of God’s plan in English Camps this summer. Man alive, I know my view on ministry will be very different when I go back to Waco. I really want to seek God’s tug on my heart as He leads me into new zones back home. But for now, God… I pray for deep compassion. If you really love Wisla, then by golly, show me, because I want my heart to beat to the tune of your heart. Please love them through me.

Camp #1 - Just a Sneak Peak.

left: before camp, a scavenger hunt. little did i know how much i would like these kids!

next left: oh ada... you are so precious... one of a kind :-)

next next left: yep... classic... everyone in a phone booth... marta and wictoria... my roomates and my little jabkas! marta reminded me of my little sister.

With Peace from the Evening Sun

It’s a couple of days past the Fourth of July… weird. It isn’t a rumor that it is only an American Holiday. J Yesterday we drove eight hours back to our home base after finishing the first camp of this summer. It was one of the hardest and most challenging weeks of my life. Today is our day of regeneration and rest. It feels like Sunday. I am sipping my homemade soy latte and looking out over the Polish countryside from Dan and Laura’s balcony. Chris Tomlin’s voice graces my ears with his passionate worship. Oh I wish that Dan and Laura were home right now so we could debrief the emotions of this past week. But I am being weaned from the normal luxuries of running to friends and family during my neediest moments. My Jesus is too jealous of my heart to let me surround myself in the fluff of human comfort. It is a blessing, though, when I do have a heart to heart with someone beautiful. Greg brought our team out to lunch yesterday and we were able to share our debriefing thoughts together over pierogis. Nathan washed our feet last night. What a send off… there is still much work to be done this summer in Poland. Lovely Jess and I were able to hug each other this morning as we shared our highs and lows. This is where I am. And The Beautiful One is here with me. I open up Streams in the Desert… “Since God knows what niche we are to fill, let us trust Him to shape us to it. And since He knows what work we are to do, let us trust Him to grind us so we will be properly prepared.” (pg. 264) I think I needed those words more than a thousand dollars right now.

Camp brought struggles of leadership. I was put in charge of our intern team as we headed off to Camp Ostróda, where we met their own separate American team. Then, on top of these different groups, there was the Polish church leadership. It was difficult to learn how I can serve my team and the other leaders, as well as step up as the person in charge. If everybody is afraid of stepping on toes, then nothing happens. Yet the wonderful part of Polish culture is the importance placed on relationships. That truly was my number one purpose for being there: Relationships. Marioush (I’m sure I spelled that wrong), the pastor, challenged me by his attitude and actions. He really wanted kids to feel loved, he wanted us to connect with kids, and he wanted the youth group to grow. He honestly didn’t care if the evening program was messy with technical errors, if it was 20 minutes late, and if there was an afternoon game or not. This greatly contradicts our American, perfectionist mentality. Us interns were in charge of the evening programs. We struggled to make them “perfect” in our eyes. Yet the truth that hit me mid-week was that we were not having an American Camp in Poland. We were having a Polish Camp in Poland. And during this camp we happened to be teaching English and Volleyball. So, instead of trying to fight against the culture, the beauty was found in embracing it.

Everyday I hit a breaking point. I had nothing left to give. I would honestly hit a wall and go to my room longing, and pleading with my daddy to give me a hug. I would pray, “God, why am I here? Who do you have me to meet? What do you have me to do? Please help me. Please give me a hug.” And every time I asked for a hug, He gave me one. And He helped me to my feet, and He gave me the strength to love on some more girls. After my daily five-minute breakdown, I would leave my room, and usually run into a beautiful girl who wanted to hang out.

Ada turned 13 the second day of camp. She spoke zero English and our entire relationship revolved around “fútbol”(that is the Spanish way to spell it), beat boxing, dancing to “Pharaoh, Pharaoh”, punching the air, and me learning to not repeat the words she would try to teach me because they were all Polish cuss words. She told Jess at the beginning of the week that she thought the stories of God were all lies. She had four older brothers, and was the biggest tomboy I have ever met. You could see the hardness built up inside of her. Her eyes were longing for attention and deep love. She would sit on the edge of the chapel during evening programs. Every time I picked her up from her seat and dragged her to the center, she would giggle and I knew she needed the love of attention. Every time she would try to wrestle with me as I tried to go to sleep, I knew she needed a constant friend. Every time I would chase her around camp trying to get her to come to volleyball, I knew she needed deep pursuit. Every time she would teach me a Polish cuss word, and in my naivety, I would repeat it, I knew that she needed a teacher. Every time she would ask me to play fútbol, I knew she needed God. I would try to hug her lots and give her the gift of touch. At the end of the week, Ada cried (I would never have expected this). She didn’t want to say goodbye. She asked me for my phone number. I laugh because I don’t know how in the world I held a conversation with her when I was face to face, let alone over a long distance phone call. However, God in His fatherly love, kept me going to show Ada that He wanted her. I don’t know if she accepted Christ, but she knows that God’s story brings me more excitement and joy than winning the toughest soccer game. Maybe that was all I was there to say. And I can leave because I know that God won’t stop there. She means more to Him than life itself and that’s why He sent His Son.

Ada, a different one, walked slowly away from the chapel one night after the message. It was one of those walks you could recognize from a million miles away… she needed to talk. As I sat down with her, she began to share the deep hurt inside from her dad. He left their family years ago, and yet her hatred for him was stronger than ever. God put me in her path that night to tell her that God is stronger than the bonds of hatred, and He can help her. I told Ada that she was beautiful in God’s eyes, and that when she walked into a room, she graced everyone with her beauty. I told her that she is strong, and that God wants her and loves her so much. At the end of the week, she wrote me a note and gave me a gift. She said, “Thank you for all the time we spent together. Thank you for games and stories and many other things. Because of you I really met Jesus and you told me the truth…I’m beautiful in God’s eyes… Now I know that Jesus is really my best friend…” There are so many more stories of girls I got to talk with, pray to accept Christ with, and love on this past week, yet these two girls stood out to me. If these are the only people I can hug and cry with in Poland, that is enough. Yet I am convinced that there are more girls out there that don’t know how beautiful they are. I am certain that there are more girls who don’t know that God is for them and not against them. I think there are more girls who don’t receive enough hugs. I believe there are more girls who long for the healing touch of their father. And that is why I am here this summer.

To finish, I will go back to the initial Streams in the Desert devotional. God is so faithful to teach me my niche too. He is my God as well, and He wants me to be the Kaylanne He made me to be! He is so enthralled by me, and He loves my deepest desires. He wants to push me, and grind me so that He can shine through me. I am reminded of a verse from Second Corinthians, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for MY POWER is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that CHRIST’S POWER MAY REST ON ME” (12:9). The power that kept me going this week was Christ’s. Because I couldn’t give any more, Christ gave more. I am a testimony to His deep love for Poland.

I can’t wait for the future hugs God is going to give me. He is what keeps me going, and He brings me more joy than I have ever known before. And now, God I pray that You would show my heart Your deep love for Nowy Tomysl. Because that is where we are going next!